Reactionary
by repeatedspice
Summary: Someone comes looking for Vyvyan. Things happen. Set sometime before Summer Holiday... I really hope that the actual story reads nowhere near as vaguely as this summary.


**Right, uh, everything here belongs to Ben Elton, Rik Mayall and Lise Mayer, with the exception of a couple of things that don't matter enough to go on about. A few of the lines here are recycled from TYO scripts, because they're just that great. Please excuse the random present tense at the beginning. I wrote this a while ago but have found that it's kind of pointless to write something and not try to make it better. Therefore, feedback is much appreciated!**

**SISTER**

[Morning. A girl gets out of a yellow car, locking it. Neil is sitting on the window sill, legs dangling over the edge, watching her. She eyes him cautiously as she makes her way to the front door and rings the bell. Mike answers. He looks her over]

"Morning darling. What took you so long?"

"Sorry?" The girl shook her head. "I'm looking for Vyvyan B'stard. Does he live here?"

"Yeah – but if it's the company you want how about we head upstairs and sign it over?"

"I haven't the faintest idea what you're talking about, but I need to see my brother, Vyvyan. Is he here?"

Mike leaned against the door frame. "I didn't know Vyvyan had a sister."

"Adopted sister, actually," the girl said, pushing past Mike and into the house. "Where is he?"

"Well, if you're going to sin you might as well be original."

"What's that supposed to mean?"

"I don't know."

"It doesn't seem incredibly lively here," the girl remarked, looking around the filthy room with distaste.

Footsteps sound on the staircase and Rick appeared.

"Michael, have you been using my toothbru –" He stopped when he saw the girl, and the corner of his mouth twitched upwards in a perverse smile. "Who's this?"

"I'm Robyn B'Stard, Vyvyan's sister. Now would someone please tell me where he is? I need to speak with him."

"Do you?" Rick sneered, raising his eyebrows. He turned around and called up the stairs, turning back every so often to look at Robyn.

"Er, Vyvyan. There's a _girl_ here who's looking for you."

"A girl?!" the _clomp _of Vyvyan's steel capped boots echoed on the stairs. He saw Robyn. His grin faded.

"Oh. It's you."

"Vyvyan? My God what have you done to your hair?"

Vyvyan down at his boots.

"Dyed it."

"And all these piercings? Mum and dad are going to freak!"

"I don't think your mother will mind at all, really," Rick interrupted, loudly. "Considering she's a _bar_tender."

"What?" Robyn raised her brow. "My mother's not a bartender."

"He means my mum," Vyvyan murmured. "Not my foster parents."

"Vyvyan what's gotten into you?! You disappear after high school for three years! No letters, no birthday cards… or Christmas presents. And I find you like this!" She gestured to the mess around her. "A punk with a bunch of snotty students!"

"I'm not snotty!" Rick exclaimed.

"Yes you are," Vyvyan said. "You're a snotty, slimy little_ virgin_."

"Vyvyan for goodness' sake will you pay attention?"

Vyvyan turned back to his sister, guilty.

Robyn brushed her fringe back from her eyes. "Mother and father would like you to visit. Its mother's 50th birthday this weekend and she's having a party. She'd like you to be there."

Vyvyan scratched his head, as if he couldn't fathom the idea that someone might want to see him.

"But, I haven't got anything… _nice_ to wear." He made _nice_ sound like a curse word.

Robyn sighed. "I'll take you shopping. You'll have to take out those piercings though, and your hair… is that a washout?"

"Yeah!" Vyv said, getting excited. He used his hands a lot when he talked. "It said: 'washes out in eight days', but I wanted it to be permanent – so I never wash!"

"Vyvyan, that's absolutely _dis-gusting_, you're so unhygienic," Rick quipped. "Why, there are fungi on the seat of our lavatory with better hygiene practices than you."

Vyvyan grabbed a glass bottle from the kitchen table and smashed it over Rick's head.

"Vyv, stop messing around," Robyn insisted, taking what was left of the bottle from his hand. "Please? Will you do this? The party's in two days," Her gaze flickered from Mike and Rick. "And you can bring your… friends."

"Okay," murmured Vyvyan. "But I'm gonna need some scissors, a pair of plyers and half a kilo of Babycham."

"AHHH! I'm bleeding! I'm bleeding!"

"Relax Vyvyan, it's only the orange hair dye," Rick stood beside Vyvyan at the bathroom sink, helping him rinse the thick, gloopy dye out of his hair. Helping was perhaps not the best word for it; Vyvyan got the feeling that Rick was enjoying his suffering far too much.

"What are you still doing here, poof?" Vyvyan demanded, swinging a fist at Rick and missing enormously. He did have his head under running water.

"Your sister's instructions were perfectly clear," Vyvyan could hear the sneer in Rick's voice. "I'm to make sure that you get yourself cleaned up properly before she comes back."

"Right," Vyvyan ran his fingers through his wet hair. "Is it all out?"

Rick raised a brow and peered over Vyvyan's head. Without all that bright orange dye, Vyvyan's hair was the colour of straw.

"Just about. There's a few little orange bits still at the back."

"Well make yourself useful and finish it off then," Vyvyan drawled.

Rick raised a hand tentatively.

"Hurry up, you bastard!"

Rick rolled his eyes and rubbed, a little violently, at the back of Vyvyan's head with his fingers.

"There. Happy?"

Vyvyan straightened his back and looked in the mirror. Soft, fair hair fell over his forehead, sending drops of water down his face.

"My hair!" He wailed. "My beautiful, beautiful hair! What have I done?!"

It was the first time Rick had seen Vyvyan truly distressed. It troubled him, for some reason.

"Oh get a grip, Vyvyan. It's not that bad," Rick stared at Vyvyan's reflection, and their eyes met in the mirror.

Rick looked away quickly and handed Vyvyan a dusty face-cloth.

"You'd better take your piercings out."

"What, this one?" Vyvyan unclipped the ring in his nose and put it on the sink, beside a cake of mouldy, hairy soap. He used it to wash SPG.

"I don't suppose you can take the dermals out too?" Rick asked, hesitantly.

"Of course I can – what d'you think the plyers are for?"

"Oh," Rick wrung his hands together. "No, don't do that, Vyvyan, you'll just make a terrible mess! Try using your hair to cover them up."

Vyvyan pulled a bit of hair into a fringe; the spangled stars across his forehead still clearly visible.

"Yeah! That works!" He grinned.

"Vyvyan?"

Rick jumped as Robyn's voice carried into the room.

Footsteps creaked up the old staircase, and Robyn's face appeared at the bathroom door.

"Ah, Vyv, you look normal again!" She beamed. Her gaze fell on the stars in his forehead. She frowned, then shrugged. "_Almost_ normal."

"And what's wrong with not being _normal_?" Rick asked. "It's only fascists and politicians who think us kids don't have the right to be individuals! Why, that kind of attitude is just _typical_ of –"

"Rick?" Vyvyan tossed the face-cloth at Rick, who stopped speaking, eyes wide.

"Yes, Vyvyan?" He said, indignantly.

"Shut up!"

Robyn raised her brow. "Right… Well, I'm going home now Vyv, but I'll be back tomorrow morning to take you shopping, alright?"

"Alright."

"God, what a fascist," Rick spat once Robyn had gone.

Vyvyan cast another glance at the unfamiliar reflection and shrugged.

**Oh, and a quick note, I made Vyvyan's last name B'Stard instead of the widely accepted "Basterd", because I had an idea at one point that I could link the characters from Bottom, The Young Ones and The New Statesman together. I'm sure it can be done!**


End file.
